#10 If you’re over at a friends place helping cook dinner and you take a baked potato out of the oven with your bare hands and respond to their shocked expression by saying ……….What?
#9 If the thought of cooking anything more complicated than Spag Bol for your own dinner at home makes you lose the will to live.
#8 You start rubbing your ever growing midsection and referring to it as your CV.
#7 You spend more on a new global knife than you did on your wife’s 10 year anniversary present.
#6 When you eat out, you prefer someplace with a buffet so you dont have to deal with any waiters.
#5 During the busy holiday season, you watch the Grinch and sympathise with the Grinch.
#4 You enjoy having the weekend off …. you just call it Monday and Tuesday.
#3 You make a guacamole flavoured smoothie just to see how well it goes with your bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos
#2 You dont have to google “global knife” to get why #7 is so funny
#1 You realize that choosing a career in the “Catering Industry” is just a clever euphemism for alcoholism.
A Few extra just in case you are unsure
#12 you drink more coffee in in a day than most people drink in a month
#13 You begin to enjoy the taste of cold coffee
#14 You no longer get stressed, verbal and on an eternal, ego fuelled rant at the younglings.
You talk to them, instead……and when they aint lookin’, you chat up their mums…….and they wonder why their mums keep sending you chocolates and cake, and inviting you round to bbqs…..
you are the surrogate dad!!! In every way….aha aha aha…..
#15-Take the bloody dog for a walk at inhuman hours after a few hours kip-early morning….hunting for mushrooms…..afternoon break…….hunting mushrooms…..(you realise…sad git….don’t see oneself looking for champion shrimps/chilli/chocolate /curry-there’s people to do that for you……
get a life, get laid, get a book….get a fast car…..funky haircut….join the gym….give up…..enjoy food….give up….enjoy food…call on other chefs…eat….and be merry…
#16 You start to buy antique kitchen equipment, for novelty. Whether they work or not is irrelevant; it is a bonus if they do! Step forward Steptoe….
# 17 All your friends are chefs, or ‘chef hangers on’-you know the kind, pompous Caterer and Hotelkeeper types,cannot afford to employ a personal chef, but treat you like a pet, show you off cooking in their homes, introduce you to knob jockeys,(don’t bitch, just make sure they don’t come round yours. You always go over theirs and compliment their wine cellars, and proceed to enjoy contents thereof!!!! Take some chef friends along, then you have something to laugh about later….)
#18 You don’t give a shit for Michelin Stars, either coz you’ll just never get them, or you are just damn indifferent. And still crazy for your cooking. Spend a fortune eating solo in some daring places,delightful, worth every penny, and in the michelin houses, you come away convinced you just had a truly unbalanced turn with Dick Turpin. And suffer a foul mood for ages on account of the dent in wallet…but cannot help it….you are soon out again to appease your self righteousness…
more extravagantly…..worrying all the while about the uncertainty of the impending moments……
#19 you convince yourself that coffee, beer, sugar, asprin and toast are the basic building blocks of life
#20 When you look forward to your next dose of Chefs Arse
#21 you know for a “fact” somones gonna phone in sick today:(
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